There have been things that I've wanted to write about over the past few months, but I've been questioning how to record it. For many years, I loved the idea of putting my emotions out there for the world to see. But lately, I don't really feel a "need" to do that anymore. I do still want to record it though. Sometime last year I bought some notebooks to start journaling. I discovered that despite spending my formative years writing long-hand in notebooks with every spare moment, my hands can no longer take that punishment anymore. I'm pretty sure I'm developing arthritis. So typing seems much easier. And, it's quicker to get the words out. And as long as I'm typing this up, I might as well put it where all my other words are recorded, to stay organized. So, for now, I'm going to continue to blog online. For myself. We'll see just how often I accomplish that though!
First, I want to say that I had a wonderful birthday weekend! Eric took me to the Can Can for The Castaways performance of Aerobotron. Wow! Sexy and fun. With really great food! We had breakfast with Eric's family on Sunday, and then had dinner with my family that night. My sister & Tiffany hosted - Tiff made probably the best chicken friend steak I've ever had in my life! Best of all, I could relax with my family and enjoy our time together in a way that I haven't done in years. It was such a blessing that I am so thankful to Tiff & Chris for.
Also, I've reconnected with an old friend, Krista. It's been nice chatting with her. Heather and I are trying to plan a visit for the end of this month.
All of that aside, it has not been a good couple of months. All of the excited happiness I had late last year evaporated some time in December. For Christmas I was fine, just not "happy". For me anyway, my moods range from depressed to down to middle ground to happy to bliss/contentment. December was middle ground, and so was the beginning of January.
But once again something came up that had me re-analyzing myself and the way I think and the things I want in my life.
It was sparked by that stupid movie, Bride Wars. OK, the movie wasn't bad, but by the end of the film when the 2 best friends are making up, I was in tears because I miss having someone in my life so badly. This was the night of my birthday, mind you, and I was inconsolable for about an hour.
I have been feeling lonely for much of my adult life, and I was dealing with it OK until I ruined my friendship with Rowan. Another major loss in my life that I wasn't prepared for, and it didn't help that I was responsible for it.
Eric and this house and our cats are my life. I don't mind this - especially when Eric and I spend time together. What I wouldn't give for him to retire and us to spend the rest of our lives traveling the world together! But that's not gonna happen anytime soon. So Eric works. A lot. Leaving me with just the cats and the house. And that's just not enough. So I'm lonely. A lot. I am painfully shy and introverted and sickly and have such low energy, that it's pretty much impossible for me to meet new people right now.
Then there's that other problem. My ability to just shut everything out, the entire world, unless it's standing up and waving its arms, shouting right in my face. I am so used to this solitary existence that every morning I wake up and it never occurs to me to spend time with anyone, try to talk to anyone, try to reach a friend even just for a minute. Unless it's prearranged. And good luck to anybody who tries to contact me! My sister is frustrated with me, and I'm sure Rob is just sick of constantly having to be the one to get in touch with me and not hearing back from me for weeks at a time.
Somewhere along the lines, I forgot how to be a good friend. The things that I find important in a friendship, I think those are still there: honesty, faithfulness, commitment, and the concept of sticking up for someone - always having their back. Those, I think I'm capable of still. But taking the time to keep that person in your daily life? That's kind of gone out the window. How did I do that? How did I let it happen?
I desperately want a friendship again that is part of my daily life. Someone I can share anything and everything with, call at 2 am when life throws you a grenade, someone to just sit around and be bored with. And here I am, sabotaging it???
The key to any sort of problem-solving is to know you have a problem. So now that I'm aware of it, I'm working on it. But I don't have a lot of opportunity to do that, because there's no-one in my life that I'm that close to. Everyone seems so settled in their lives, no one has the time, energy, or inclination to let a new person into their life in an intimate way.
In the last year, I've had 2 people tell me almost the exact same thing: they are not the kind of friend that I am, they can't be the kind of friend I'm looking for, and they don't want to anyway. They want friendship, but they don't want... intimacy. They are self-described loners. They enjoy my company, but don't want to spend a lot of time hearing about my problems or sharing their own.
Both times, it has been extremely painful to me. I want so desperately to have that 2am BFF in my life again. I am willing to jump through hoops, put myself on the line, give my everything and then some to prove how awesome a friend I am. How reliable. How necessary. And the response is BACK THE HELL UP. These are not people that I just met and then started stalking them. These are people that I have a history with, an established (or rekindled) relationship with, that I would like to be closer to. I would be willing to overlook any problems or flaws, if I could just get that intimacy from them.
It's not anything I can blame on them. They are how they are. I can't change that. And if they don't want devotion, I don't want to give it to them. And I'm the way I am. Heart on my sleeve.
I told myself I was done with putting myself out there for people to hurt after Rowan. But I had this other person in my life already, and they stuck by me, and we spent a lot of time together. So it was a real blow to learn that they didn't share my need to be BFF. And the other person, we have this established history of being very close, then we weren't, then we started trying to forge a friendship again. I didn't realize it was from scratch, and that intimacy was not part of the deal, until a few days ago. I certainly didn't start the friendship up again expecting intimacy myself, but I was certainly open to it if that was the way things developed. I was basically told that it would not develop that way because the other person didn't want that. Didn't need it.
I think part of my problem, the reason why I need intimacy so badly, is because I feel like I spend most of my life not being myself. I want someone to know who I am, who I really am. And still like me for that. It's hard not to take it personally when you are turned away.
When I was in high school and became a Natural Helper, there was a lot of feel-good stuff thrown at us in training. There was a poem called "Masks" about how everyone hides the real them from outsiders, and we should put our masks down and be ourselves. Nobody seems to want that to happen in real life though.
How would people react if while I'm in the checkout line I tell the checker to stop talking about the weather because in my head I'm having a flashback of my father abusing us? When I'm grabbing lunch to go and they're making small talk while preparing the food in front of me, I tell them to stop trying to engage me because all I can think about is running out the door, driving home as fast as possible, and crouching into a ball in the corner? Does your dry cleaner want to know if you're unfaithful to your partner? Do the people in the gym want to know that you're waiting for test results on whether you have cancer or not?
Nope, no one wants to hear any of that stuff from a stranger. But I want to talk about it. I want support, encouragement, camaraderie. Having someone to go shopping or go to the movies with would be great, but I am looking for someone I can talk to. Someone I can have honest conversations with, whenever, wherever. Someone to be myself with, behind the mask, all bullshit dropped.
Yesterday I picked myself off the ground by telling myself that once again I've found something in life that I want that I will never get. First, I fell harder - I mourned the fantasy that I had to let go of. But then I was able to stand up. I was able to find purpose in the house. Because since this house and my cats and my husband are the only things in my life, I need to stop obsessing on the things I can't have and start investing more time in the the things I already have.
I was in the 4th grade when I realized I was never going to be popular or have a lot of friends, and I began to accept that I was going to be a loner. I can still remember the day that I was walking home from the playground and I said to myself that "I don't need anybody." There is no specific time when I realized that I was not going to marry Simon le Bon when I grew up. I gave up my dream of becoming a dancer when I saw my best friend show me some of her rudimentary ballet skills. I gave up wanting to be a singer when my cousin and I taped ourselves singing Christmas carols and then listened to the play back with horror. I gave up wanting to marry a poet who would read poetry to me while we cuddled under a tree near a stream, or a musician who would sing songs written about me, when I met and fell in love with Eric. FYI, Eric is awesome, and he has written a poem or two, and even sings on occasion (privately).
So now it's 4th grade again. I am a loner. I will always be a loner. I will never have anyone to call at 2am to cry with. I have to not need anybody.
Good luck to you, I.