the more things stay the same, the more i want them to change

I do not patronize bunny rabbits... or How to put your worry to bed

It has been an amazingly productive weekend. I designed 4 different necklaces and have ideas for at least two more to start right away. I only managed to string and finish one of them, but I decided the day would be better spent taking photos. Took lots and lots of pics, and I've been hashing through them in Photoshop. As always, when there is a deadline looming, I am worried that I will not finish in time, or I didn't read the instructions right, or I forgot to do something vitally important. Not to mention the second-guessing myself.

I have discovered that my camera's self-timer is my new best friend. Despite all my research, every time I try to manually adjust the shutter speed or ISO or f-stop my pictures are still hit-and-miss at best. I think I've found a good setting, I take shots of all my items, and when I upload them they're all out of focus. All my work is for naught because my hands shake so much - it's so bad that using a tripod isn't enough. Nothing can secure the camera enough to keep it absolutely still as I press the button. So I finally worked out how to turn on my self-timer.

I tried to look online for a remote trigger, but all the ones that say they work for my camera brand conspicuously leave out my model. I'm pretty sure this means I'm SOL in that department, esp. since my manual assures me there is no trigger available for this camera. So here I am, experimenting with my auto-timer. And it's working like a charm! Unfortunately, I'm still taking a dozen or so pics of each piece at different settings just to be sure. I so very much hate the lighting in this damn room. What was I thinking with dark walls?

But back to the shaking hands. A few months before our trip to Italy last year, I noticed some weird stuff going on with me, but ignored it until I got to Italy. Pretty much ZERO percent of my pictures taken in churches turned out because my hands were too shakey. My hands shake and are weakening while becoming slightly arthritic. I am clumsier than ever, I'm forgetting things all the time, and quite often I stop mid-sentence when talking to someone because my mind just suddenly goes blank. I finally went to a neurologist, and I passed the cursory examination with flying colors - the doctor told me she was surprised because usually people who come in with so many symptoms get at least a few red flags when they undergo testing. Imagine that, one of my doctors has no idea what's wrong with me. Hoo-rah!

So as I was stringing my necklace this morning I noticed my hands were cramping and shaking, and also exhibiting a definite loss of strength and dexterity in my left hand. Which of course has me thinking about the future.

Doing this show in November has changed me pretty much over-night. I am so excited and motivated. And part of it is this feeling that it may be my last hoo-rah before my hands deteriorate to the point that I can't make jewelry anymore. So I could at least go out with a bang, right? Except today it ocurred to me that it is just as likely, if not more, that my hands will become too bad before the event. And with my iffy health, any number of things could go wrong between now and then to fuck me up. Not to mention I might be pregnant and experiencing morning sickness by then.

So after convincing myself I wanted to do this and I was capable of it, after convincing Eric that I am capable of doing it so he is willing to pay the entrance fee (the highest I've ever paid!), now I am questioning myself. Again. Imagine that.

But tonight I decided to just fuck it. The worst that could happen is that I cancel and get our money back - I have until the day before the event to back out and get nearly a full refund. Plus, I have been so lacking in enthusiasm and motivation to do just about anything lately, I think this might be just what I need.

So I'm doubting myself. But I'm just telling Self to fuck-off. I've got enough on my plate without adding another heaping serving of worry on the side - especially about things that may not even happen.

Most useful lesson I got from therapy: worry (and guilt) is a useless emotion. Worrying about the future does absolutely nothing for you but make your present miserable. It is surprisingly easy to stop worrying when I tell myself this.

Well, at least for a few hours, after which it's bound to pop into my head again... But at least this way I can catch some sleep between then and now. Ciao baby - I've got to motor if I want to beat Eric turning the bedroom light off for the night.

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Reader beware, I make no apologies for speaking the truth, no matter how shocking. So here's a list of taboo you might see here: sexuality, bisexuality, lesbianism, atheism, ex-Catholic ranting, stories of childhood abuse, wacked-out left-wing theories and philosophies, and feminist thought. And I like the words "cunt" and "fuck" a lot.