the more things stay the same, the more i want them to change

we are doing it wrong

I was hoping to have my 3rd and last post about Forgiveness/Bitterness out of me and up on the blog by now, to be cleansed of it. It's really just a collection of interesting things I found on the net about Forgiveness that I have a LOT to say in response. I've noted it all down, so we'll see whatever comes of that...

Today is huge. It is our 2nd attempt at an embryo transfer. I have been trying unsuccessfully to get into the headspace I want to be in when I go in for the appointment.

I will probably meditate later this morning. I think it's really what I need right now.

Nature is good too, especially the beach. I got some bad news on Tuesday and couldn't believe how yet again I was letting outside influences completely change my emotional state. I was desperate to get out of this funk caused by a simple phone call to set up an appointment! I decided to screw the tide tables and just head out to the beach @ Edmonds. Unfortunately, it was high tide.

One of these days, I intend to start a second blog where I just write about all of the mishaps, ironies, Murphy's Law type stuff I deal with on a daily basis. I seriously think I have reverse luck. That sounds kind of like a downer blog, so maybe I'll just make it a Tag. The thing is, I have reached a point in my life where it happens so often, it makes me laugh. Ever heard of someone put under so much stress/anxiety/danger that they go kind of hysterical, their voice gets higher, they start babbling quickly, and eventually start laughing in a panicky kind of way? Think of Aliens , when Hudson keeps repeating "Game over, man! Game over!" If not that moment, then at some other crucial point he starts to smile and almost laugh - laughing in disbelief.

That will be the title of my blog!

Back to the beach, I found a solitary bench and sat down to watch the water. It did nothing. I almost got up to leave after only a minute, but then I told myself that I came here for a reason, and I should at least relax a little. So I closed my eyes to attempt to relax. Within moments, I could hear the waves on the shore, and I was taken back to other times when that sound has relaxed me and uplifted me. I began to meditate, only concentrating on the sound of the waves as I tried to relax my body section by section. Sometimes, I get the most amazing experience at the end. I get down to my feet, feel my feet on the ground, and something goes through me and into the ground and out into the world, golden tendrils of connectedness. Sometimes it is real, and the experience borders on the religious. Sometimes, I force the image in hopes to spur on the real thing. That's what I had to do, force it. Of course this never works! But instead of giving up, I just went back to focusing on only the waves.

Well, I may not have felt a joyful connectedness to the world around me, but in the back of my mind I was still thinking about the earth and nature and my/our connection to it. A single thought came to me: we are doing it wrong.

It started out as a general impression of humanity polluting the oceans, but quickly grew to other thoughts. They were just flashes, an impression with a vision and an emotion and then it was gone. The ferry, the cars, the ipods , the garbage... these are wrong for the beach, wrong for the planet, wrong for us. Money, television, technology, computers, grocery stores: it's all wrong.

And then the moment was over. But yesterday something Carmen talked about brought it back. The conversation moved from motherhood to parenting to social norms in parenting to cultural differences in parenting. She said in Western culture, it is so important for us to be independent. We live in these small, "nuclear" families with just parents and children. We tell out kids to grow up and be adult and take on responsibility and suck it up - we want them to be as independent and prepared for that cruel outside world when they're finally forced to leave home. Seriously, there are parents who think that because the world is going to be cruel to their child, they need to be mean in order to toughen them up. What?? Shouldn't home be a nurturing place? A place of love and safety? There are non-Western cultures, especially tribal cultures, where family are multi-generational. More people to work and support the home and expenses, more people to parent the children, more attention, more love, a banishment of isolationism.

We are using our cars and the internet and phones and television to reach all parts of the world - but somehow we are managing to increase our isolation at the same time.

More and more, I want to chuck it all and go live on a farm. Raise animals, grow my own food, make my own clothes, watch the sunset instead of television. I seriously believe that what we all need is a kick back into the past before electricity.

The thought is both appealing and horrifying at the same time. I'm addicted to the internet, I like my TV shows, I love listing to the music of any band in the world with the click of a mouse. I'm addicted to money, I like to shop, I want fancy furniture and carpets and a new deck. I love running water, toilets, water heaters, air conditioning. I love to travel, I need modern medicine, I'm germphobic.

I have no useful survival skills. I don't think I can ever slaughter an animal. Starting a vegetable garden would be next to pointless because I can't stand most vegetables. I don't know how to make my own clothes. After watching the sunset, my choices of entertainment will be reading by candlelight or learning to knit.

My body is so broken, I couldn't pull my own weight on a sustainable farm. I simply would not survive the first year after an apocalypse.

I think humanity and the earth could co-exist in a positive way even with technology. I think it would require the elimination of money though. And politics probably. Yah, riiiiight, that'll happen!

Still, I am worried about us. We're just not doing it right.



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Reader beware, I make no apologies for speaking the truth, no matter how shocking. So here's a list of taboo you might see here: sexuality, bisexuality, lesbianism, atheism, ex-Catholic ranting, stories of childhood abuse, wacked-out left-wing theories and philosophies, and feminist thought. And I like the words "cunt" and "fuck" a lot.