the more things stay the same, the more i want them to change

change is coming

Eric and I have decided to make a baby. We are waiting until January to start trying, for various reasons I'll probably talk about later.

Right now I want to talk about why we made the decision. Well, really, the timing was up to me really because of my endomitriosis. So after years of wavering, back and forth and back and forth, I made the decision. There have been so many pros and cons weighing on me, and all of them are still there - guilty hopes and terrible warnings.

But in the end, I found 2 positives that together weighed over everything else.

First, there is this desire to have another person to love in my life. Someone to give all my love to, and know that it will be returned for at least a little while. Then there is the teaching, the imparting of wisdom, instilling values, seeing proof that I have changed the world in some small way by creating another person who shares some part of who I am and what I have been and what I stand for. But always this connection, no matter how strained the parent/child relationship. I'm very, very aware that parenthood is not all happiness and rainbows - terrible warnings, remember? But even if things go wrong, I will always have my memories and the knowledge that I have created something amazing to add to the world.

Secondly, I've spent all my life feeling like I'm meant to do something - everyone feels this, yes? Apparently its typical for adolescents to have a bit of a god-complex, a sense of invulnerability, all tangled into this feeling of purpose. This could so easily devolve into a dissection of the place of religion in society, but that's just not my point. My point is that I've been searching forever to do something that matters. As the years have gone by and I've floundered around, I have built up this nest of things to please me - love, marriage, pets, home, possessions. But there has always been this feeling of emptiness, of something not fulfilled, some promise not yet kept. It has always revolved around children - wanting to protect them, to educate them. But my attempts have failed. So many treasures have been laid at my feet, and I have not been happy enough with them, it drives my depression, I'm sure of it. So I have over the past two years come to this belief that having a child will matter. And then everything will change. Everything. Again, I'm very aware that although babies are miracles, life-changers, it is not all for the best. My history has proven that I'm not good with change. But I need it, I really do.

No matter how I say it (or write it), it comes out sounding selfish, doesn't it? But in my head and in my heart, there is a sense of right-ness to it. A moment of the universe revealing some tiny secret to you. Not the enormous "this is what it's all about", but some hint that you might be getting closer to seeing some universal truth and understanding it.

I'm currently reading a book, The City at the End of Time by Greg Bear, and it's all very high and mighty. End of the world physics and metaphysics and final revelations, but all very vaguely discussed (more like hinted at) with big words to entangle the mind deciphering the code rather than understanding what was said. Anyway, it's rubbing off on my writing style right now, so I really, truly apologize. I feel like I'm being just as vague. Bah!



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The Histories


Reader beware, I make no apologies for speaking the truth, no matter how shocking. So here's a list of taboo you might see here: sexuality, bisexuality, lesbianism, atheism, ex-Catholic ranting, stories of childhood abuse, wacked-out left-wing theories and philosophies, and feminist thought. And I like the words "cunt" and "fuck" a lot.