the more things stay the same, the more i want them to change

not-there baby pie

Well, it's official - I have now started freaking out about not being able to conceive. I truly believed I could do this and not be one of those women who worries herself to death wondering why she wasn't pregnant yet. But now my body is just pissing me off.

Starting in January, I've been trying to track my Basal Body Temperature to determine ovulation days. My cycle has always been wonky, so I knew coming in it wouldn't be the best way to do this, but it is the simplest and cheapest. Last month I noticed my cycle was exactly 28 days, and I got excited. I counted out when I "should" ovulate if I had another 28 days cycle, and announced that there would be some sexy-sexy on the date.

Bad migraine or something that day, but we had "I" the day before. Then we had "I" the next day after "ovulation day". Also, on O-Day and the day after, I had these tiny pin-point pain/cramps. On O-Day it was just to the right of my lady parts, the next day it was centered over my lady parts. Ovulation can be "felt" by some women, so I assumed that was going on, and did a little cheer that maybe we had finally gotten the timing right this time. The little pains were very minor, and didn't last very long.

Fast Forward exactly one week - day 21 of cycle. Nausea started around 10pm, stayed until I went to bed. Woke on Friday day 22 exhausted with mild headache, mild cramps, and nauseau - all but the nausea disappeared within an hour. Nausea stayed all day. Including at the wedding for one of Eric's buddies. The reception was sheer hell. After the food being 1.5 hours late, I gorged myself in hunger, which finally tipped the nausea over into overload. We went home immediately. Sunday took The Test - negative. Figured it was too early (which it was once I did the math), but I had concluded that if there were enough hormones to make me this sick, it would be enough to run the test, right? Wrong. My punishment was bad nausea that finally sent me back to bed. Woke up 1.5 hours later, nausea gone, but another headache and exhausted. Nausea soon came back and stayed all day - but only while standing or walking.

Nausea all day Monday, afraid it would ruin the Depeche Mode concert. Once we found our seats, I realized the nausea was gone. Did not return until Tuesday morning, but by afternoon it was gone and I felt rejuvenated - really energetic for the first time in weeks. Did a bunch of cleaning/organizing. Next day (Wed, Day 26) woke nauseaus again, went back to bed from noon to 4:30.

Thursday no nausea, but really exhausted when I woke up, yet unable to go back to sleep. Finally, Friday - Day 28. TODAY. Took The Test at first wake, despite discovering spotting at 12:30 am when I went to bed the night before. Test negative, more spotting, some nausea.

As I write this, nausea has been competing with mild cramps. Cramps won - just a matter of minutes until I run to take pain medication. Went online to figure out what could cause all that nausea only to end in not-pregnancy, with no help. Chalk it up to Swine Flu? I did find a cute little site,, with an interesting blog entry about fake morning sickness.

So what's going through my mind right now? The fact that I have a bunch more stuff to do for Heidi's baby shower tomorrow. Worrying about driving Michelle to Port Orchard in the morning when I will most likely be hopped up on drugs, and wondering if Eric will wake up early to take us. Wondering if I should avoid my T3 w/ codeine and pot and alcohol in case this is a mistake - despite seriously wanting to go on a bender right now. Normally, at the first sign of cramps or bleeding, I down some pills because waiting until the cramps rev up is stupid - they go from full-on to on-your-knees-screaming in 5-10 minutes, which is sooo not enough time for drugs to kick in.

So yes, worrying about not harming the not-there baby. Griping at myself for doing same. Telling myself to get off my butt to finish baby shower stuff. Seeing the irony in learning I'm not pregnant the day before the shower, but too numb to really emote. Really pissed at my body for having one more thing fucked up about it. Questioning whether it's Eric's plumbing - Big "I" day before and day after estimated Ovulation, so what gives? What's next? A fertility watch?

On the plus side, the party favor packets are looking soooo adorable!!! I am a genius with paper apparently. I even figured out how to use watercolor pencils. I always did think I had an eye for color. Soooo glad I stumbled upon the idea of a jungle theme - if I hadn't, I don't think there would be a theme, just a mish-mash of "It's a Boy!" stuff and nothing to inspire this kind of creativity. I owe it all to the Giraffe stamp I bought at Paper Zone. On display was the cutest little card with a giraffe stamped on it, and the most interesting, delicate coloring I'd ever seen. I was told it was from watercolor pencils. I circled the shop anyway, but of course came back, grabbed the stamp, and now everything is Safari themed with focus on Giraffes and Lions. So awesome!

Would it be tacky to put out business cards at the baby shower? Just got the new ones, so really excited about them!

And to think I thought I was coming down here to cry my eyes and sneak some pot. Good thing I didn't rent that pregnancy romantic comedy last night. Good thing I forgot to buy myself a copy of "The Waitress" to celebrate. Good thing I was already calling the not-there baby by her name.

PS: *giggle/snort* one of the websites talking about nausea and pregnancy was a forum where everyone had quotes about GOD in their signatures. And another where sound medical advice was given by someone trying to counsel someone whose symptoms seemed to be caused by stress and not pregnancy - and then she had to throw in the part about praying. The NOB I'm over that bullshit. This is the kind of crap that makes you doubt religion. I'd hate to be going through that right now on top of everything. Although... maybe if I seek out the GSM, he will bless my womb with his noodley appendage and I will miraculously conceive. Or maybe he can fondle Eric's bits? Couldn't hurt, right?



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Reader beware, I make no apologies for speaking the truth, no matter how shocking. So here's a list of taboo you might see here: sexuality, bisexuality, lesbianism, atheism, ex-Catholic ranting, stories of childhood abuse, wacked-out left-wing theories and philosophies, and feminist thought. And I like the words "cunt" and "fuck" a lot.