the more things stay the same, the more i want them to change

Clomid still sucks

Today is cycle day 26, the end of 4 months on Clomid, and my temperature dropped .5 points between yesterday and this morning. Despite using the expensive ovulation watch, and having more perfectly timed sex than any other month. And now it's all over. I have reached the limit of Clomid they're willing to give me, and that I'm willing to subject my body to. And that's pretty much how I feel about all of it - I don't want to subject my body to any more of this bullshit.

My body had so many things wrong, so many little oddities, there seemed to be no pattern to anything. But apparently there was enough of a pattern for me to notice when it was changed - my body feels alien to me. My periods are shorter, and roughly every other month they've been kind of light and less painful. I can't remember the last time I had diarrhea - now I have very hard, long stools. In the past 2 weeks, I've had 2 compacted stools - the alleviation of which is not pleasant at all. I am nauseated for roughly 2 weeks of every cycle. Headaches every day for 2 weeks.

I don't want to do this anymore. No more hormones, no more fucked-up symptoms, no more feeling like my body has been hijacked. I stopped taking the Metformin for blood pressure last month because of all the nausea. Now, no more Clomid either.

I just made an appointment at a fertility clinic in Kirkland. I have been putting this off, wanting to give the Clomid time to work. I don't know what happens at the appointment, what they can do for me, or what kind of drugs they might want to put me on. My GYN suggested they might want to go back in and look at my uterus/fallopian tubes. Because THAT's what I want to do now. I'm sick of it. I'm sick of the whole thing. I want my uterus OUT.

I want a baby. I still want to get pregnant. But I am constantly exhausted both physically and mentally since they've put me on Clomid, and I don't think I can take it anymore.

I can't tell what's worse, the physical or the mental. Every month, it is a struggle to work in the intercourse at the correct time. Especially since I have NEVER seen a positive Ovulation stick test. When the OV Watch told me I was ovulating, I was practically dancing around the house, reassured that I wasn't broken yet, and those stupid tests just weren't working. The sex was all perfectly timed. The daily temperature taking did not support this - there was no obvious drop or spike. Almost a week later, there WAS a drop and spike, very obvious. More perfectly timed sex, just in case (negative OV stick tests, surprise!). The first day or 2 after the spike, my temp. seemed questionable. But then they were back up to spike level for 2-3 days. And this morning, back to drop level.

Did I mention that I woke up yesterday morning from a dream that my OV Watch had developed a new, never-mentioned function - it told me I was pregnant! It was quite an elaborate signal - the watch started flashing and beeping and did some weird Transformers-like folding on itself to shut off all functions until all that was left was the little note that I was pregnant.

My body, my enemy. My brain, part of the problem too. I am so DONE. Now what?



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Reader beware, I make no apologies for speaking the truth, no matter how shocking. So here's a list of taboo you might see here: sexuality, bisexuality, lesbianism, atheism, ex-Catholic ranting, stories of childhood abuse, wacked-out left-wing theories and philosophies, and feminist thought. And I like the words "cunt" and "fuck" a lot.