I've always been aware of my negativity. I've known I'm a pessimist since I learned what the word meant. I like to say that I'm a realist, "prepare for the worst and hope for the best", as they say. Except there usually isn't a bunch of hope inside, usually just extra doses of expectations of the worst. Sometimes (usually) with a healthy dash of fear, anxiety, and paranoia. My life has created this in me, all of the negative events slowly but surely pounding in the lesson that bad stuff happens. And pushing out the hope.
Over the years, I've learned to manage this tendency, to an extent. I've developed the ability to arrest negative thoughts while they're happening, often before anything too damaging happens to my psyche, like... calling hospitals when my husband is late. This has been very handy when dealing with depression. Unfortunately, it's very easy to "forget" this skill. To get swamped in emotions and fears and anxiety, forgetting everything else. This can very easily escalate my depression. The whole thing is connected, but it's something at the core of me, so what do I do about it? Just keep at it, and hope for the best.
A few months ago, I realized that pretty much every time I blog or post to Facebook, it was negative. Honestly, it's about all that's been going on with me. But seeing it out there like that bothered me. I want people to know who I am and what I'm going through, but I don't want to be constantly whining and moaning and bitching at them about it. Plus, good things do happen. And everyday, run-of-the-mill, middle ground stuff too. So why not talk about that? Well, no one wants to hear about middle ground - I don't care enough to post it, and nobody would want to read it. And good stuff? It's so rare, and unfortunately quick to pass, that I get too occupied in reveling in the moment to say anything. Until I'm back in negativity land.
So what do I do? How do I balance this out? Well, mostly, stop worrying about your fucking blog and work on keeping the bad shit at bay. Har, har, har.
So imagine my surprise, when things start to click. And suddenly, I have no idea what to say about it.
Earlier this year, I felt like my world was turned upside down when I was diagnosed with infertility. In the past few weeks, it's been righting itself, and it has nothing to do with fertility. So what does it have to do with? Well, honestly I don't know. Or I haven't known. It's just been happening, and I've just been... standing around wondering what's going on. And every few days, I actually feel better. I keep having epiphanies. And I just haven't known what the hell to say about it.
I'm working on trying to fix that. But for now, I'll leave you with this: I'm still a pessimist. This is life, and the hits just keep on a' comin'. But... it's easier to laugh at my self than ever before. The difference is, it's real laughter. I give a little shake of my head, a roll of my eyes, and I walk around or over my obstacle, keeping the sun in my face.
It's quite possible that I'm delirious. Or delusional. This might all evaporate tomorrow. That's what usually happens - my upswings are rare and brief. But I really, really don't think that's what's happening right now. Something has gone "click" up there in my head, and I don't think it can be undone.
I have hope.