the more things stay the same, the more i want them to change

20 Questions that will change your life?

Last week CNN shared an article by Martha Beck from, 20 Questions that could change your life. Despite not being an Oprah viewer, I decided to click the link to read these mysterious questions. To be honest, I didn't know it had anything to do with Oprah at the time and, despite some vague curiosity, I didn't really think I would find it all that enlightening anyway.

It wasn't exactly enlightening, but there was a familiarity to it that kept me reading. Most every question had me really thinking about myself and my current place in life. It all seemed to tie in very closely to the mental/emotional changes that I've been experiencing/implementing in my life this past year. So I thought I'd take it one step further and write my answers, to do some real critical thinking on it - writing about something has its own unique way of ferreting out insight within me that I had no idea was hiding there to begin with. So today, Question 1.

1. What questions should I be asking myself?
At first I thought asking yourself what you should be asking yourself was redundant. It isn't. Without this question, you wouldn't ask any others, so it gets top billing. It creates an alert, thoughtful mind state, ideal for ferreting out the information you most need in every situation. Ask it frequently.

The questions I ask myself every day: how do I feel? is this worth it? am I doing the right thing? why is it so difficult to go to the gym?

The questions I'd prefer to ask myself: what do you want to do today? what do you want to create today? what do you want to write today? where do you want to go today? what do I want to photograph today?

Every day, I am stuck in the rut of being ruled by my health problems and judged by my own self. Yes, it's necessary to gauge my energy level before I start any task. And yes, looking at yourself critically is important. But that seems to be the entirety of my inner-monologue: health, ramifications of health, disappointment in self.

It seems I would much rather be escaping and/or creating. I want to be out of the house, or deep in a project - both with the result that I will be out of my mind, away from my own worries and criticisms. Is this really such a bad thing? Why don't I listen to this part of myself more often? Why has it been so long since I've been creative?

Rereading this before posting, there is another set of questions that occurs to me: am I healthy enough for a baby? is this good enough for the baby? am I good enough for the baby?

Worry, worry, worry! I'm so tied to worrying, I seem to have lost sight of why I want to have a child.

Questions I should be asking myself: what do I want to teach my baby? how will I explain this idea to the baby? how will I tell this story to the baby? what would be a good way to get my baby interested in this?



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Reader beware, I make no apologies for speaking the truth, no matter how shocking. So here's a list of taboo you might see here: sexuality, bisexuality, lesbianism, atheism, ex-Catholic ranting, stories of childhood abuse, wacked-out left-wing theories and philosophies, and feminist thought. And I like the words "cunt" and "fuck" a lot.